Thursday, March 21, 2013

My New Year's Resolution



Well, now that we're nearing the end of March, I thought it might finally be time to share my New Year's Resolution. Better late than next year, right?

 

And, it's not actually a "resolution", but more of a decision really, but I guess that technically is what a resolution is.

 

And, I didn’t really make it on New Year’s, but about five months ago, because I’m really more of a ‘make up your mind that you need to change something and do it’ than ‘wait until New Year’s to change’ kind of person.

 

So, technically it’s really more of an ‘October Decision’ than a ‘New Year’s Resolution’.

 

And, what was the point of this again?

 

Oh, yes.

 

The Resolution/Decision.

 

I’ve decided that 2013 will be the year of letting go.

 

You see, I hold on to things. Now, I’m not talking about material things. Of course, there are some material things that I hold on to, but really I’m talking about emotional things. And, I don’t just hold on to things. I wrap myself around them with a death grip.

 

I have a tendency to replay, rehash, rethink, rejustify, and basically relive things- conversations, decisions, circumstances, failures and what have you. Sometimes they’re good things, but most of the time they’re not. I take myself back on an emotional and mental roller coaster especially by reliving the bad things.

 

Why do I do that?  Does anyone else do that?

 

Y’all know we’ve had a difficult time over the last few years with David having lost his job and the many repercussions from it. This has been a big one for me. I’ve taken myself back down that road so many times of ‘Did we make good decision…Was there something more we could have done……..What do others think………Why did it happen that way.’ But, it’s not just restricted to that time in my life. Oh, no. There are lots of other roller coasters in this theme park.

 

And, I am a person that needs closure. For everything. I can’t even leave a book unfinished because I have to have closure about the characters. But, the reality is that there are some things that I just won’t ever have closure on. There are just going to be things that I will never understand, things that I will never be able to redo, and things that just don’t need to be redone.

 

I know that God doesn’t want me to carry this baggage (and that’s just what it is-baggage) any longer.

“Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden. The God who is our Salvation.” Psalm 68:19

 

He has a purpose for what He has allowed in my life even if I don’t understand it or know what the purpose is- hence the lack of closure.

 

Well, then, why do I still hang on to things? Because, Satan wants me to, that’s why. He wants to keep me chained down with all of this baggage. He wants to keep me in doubt. He wants me to live on the roller coaster.

 

But God tells me I can have victory over this. I can take every thought captive.

 

“We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5

 

So, my new phrase is “Let it go.”

 

Whenever my mind starts to go there….

 

“I remember when that happened and I know I was justified in that decision because I know what really happened……”

 

Let it go.

 

“I just don’t understand why we……”

 

Let it go.

 

“I just…”

 

Let it go.

 

“Fluttering of a thought……”

 

It’s okay. Let it go.

 

Y’all don’t know how many times a day I’ve had to say this over these last five months. But, he has given me victory. Every day really has been easier to just let things go. I really don’t even have to say it that much anymore.

 

So, here’s to letting go!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

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justasiamdenise said...

You are not alone in your tendency Courtney, not by a long shot....going to say more...the "fluttering" in my head stirs, but I will heed your advice...and let it go. Sound words, my friend.

Dawn said...

In a women's Sunday School class I used to be in, we had a name for this. We called it, "Nurse and Rehearse."

We nurse our wounds and rehearse what happened and what we would do if we had it to do over again.

Nurse and rehearse is a bad idea, and one that I struggle every day not to repeat.

Courtney said...

Thanks, Densise. It has been a long road to get to that point. But, I'm so thankful to God that I have arrived!

Dawn, I like that phrase-perfect name for it. I think it has been a "daily struggle" for me for a long time, but now I think it's progressed to a "daily awareness" that I have where immediately I can sense there will be a problem and I can remind myself before it even gets off the ground.

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